


Almost

by keelys



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, darker than I expected, non-con elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-29
Updated: 2016-10-29
Packaged: 2018-08-27 19:44:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8414173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keelys/pseuds/keelys
Summary: What Dean almost did over the years, and Sam at the center.(Pre-series to Season 11)





	

_Almost left with him_

Dean is used to it by now. His life is full of almost: almost had a normal life, almost had friends, almost graduated from high school. It’s fine, that’s what it is, no point in thinking about it over and over.

Sam is different. Every almost is like a slap in his face. And he fights back. Oh, does he fight back. Dean finds himself in the middle, more often than not, before it goes too far. It’s fine if he ends up with a bloody nose every once in a while, as long as their almost family keeps on going. That’s a fair price, he figures. The kid just doesn’t know yet, Dean’s coddled him too much. So if he has to deal with Sam’s rage, then, that’s what he’s gonna do. Sam wants more. Almost has never been enough. Dean knows this, he sees it in every A his brother brings home. Not that he bothers to show him anymore, but Dean checks anyway. Sam is smart. Not that Dean isn’t, but the way he figures things out, they’re not the same kind of smart. Sam’s the kind of smart that goes to college, that goes to colleges like Stanford. Dean knows, because he is smart too. Just not the same kind of smart.

He should spend more time with the kid. They used to be best friends. They still are. Dean likes to think so. Well, almost. Can you almost be best friends? They have no one else, that’s for sure. But things have changed in the last two years. Dean spends most of his time hunting with Dad, not staying wherever the hell they are that month with Sam. And Sam... Well, Sam spends most of his time alone. Still, Dean tries. He bailed out on Dad, just the other day, to spend a week with Sam. Sam’s smile when he realized he was staying. Well, that was bittersweet to say the truth, he shouldn’t be that happy just because his good-for-nothing brother stayed with him. Dean guesses they don’t have that many reasons to be happy. That’s fine for him. But he wants more for the kid. Does it have to be college?

Dean knows Sam wants to tell him. He almost wants to tell him it’s okay, that he doesn’t have to. But selfishly, he doesn’t want it to be easy for Sam. He’s going to leave him. Ironic, isn’t it? Fuck, he should be happy for the kid. Should be proud. In a way, he is. But he’s also fucking petrified. Sam’s his brother. Sam’s his best friend. Sam’s everything that is worth fighting for in this godforsaken world. If Sam leaves. What about him?

 

‘Dean...’

‘...’

‘Dean, I need to talk to you.’

‘What’s up, kiddo?’

‘M not a kid...’

‘... I know.’

This is excruciating. Dean wants to leave the room, to stop listening, to pretend it’s not happening.

‘I applied to college -’

‘I know.’

‘- and I got in. What do you mean you know?’

‘I know everything about you, kiddo.’

‘Ha. And you’re not mad?’

‘Not mad, no...’

‘Dean, I just... I don’t know how to talk to you about these things.’

‘Is it me?’

‘Huh? What do you mean?’

‘Are you leaving because of me? Because I can make things better for you. I promise you, I can convince Dad, and we could maybe settle down for a while, not too long, you know that, but I could -’

‘Dean!’

Sam’s looking at him with these big wet eyes of his. Dean’s making a fool of himself. But he has to try, he has to tell Sam that he’ll do better. He’s gotta –

‘It’s not you! How can you think...? It has nothing to do with... I just... I need to do this. For me. And I thought... I mean... If you want...’

Sam is just babbling at this point.

‘I thought maybe you’d wanna come with me.’

 

Dean almost goes with him.

 

 

_Almost made things better_

It’s after the craziness that was Indiana, when Sam asks. Sam hasn’t really wanted to talk about anything since Jessica. Dean can’t blame the kid. He can sorta blame himself. He can certainly blame the yellow-eyed demon. He wishes Dad were here. But then. When he thinks about it, maybe he doesn’t. Sam has that look in his eyes. Same as Dad. Maybe the two of them together isn’t such a good idea at the moment. The way Jessica died. Dean understands why Sam sometimes can’t look him in the eyes. If Dean hadn’t asked him for help. Who knows then? Maybe. Well, there’s no point in thinking about it. Dean is a firm believer in looking forward. Seizing the day. Or whatever bullshit he says to make chicks wanna go back to his motel room with him. His looks don’t hurt either. Whatever.

Sam used to like to talk about everything. That’s what Dean remembers from before. He’d tell Dean about his classes, about his friends - Sam did have friends sometimes, that made it even more difficult - about his life. Dean would laugh at him. But still. Sam knew he could talk to him. They don’t talk about their feelings or some other shit like that, but still.

They’re in their beds after a long day of driving and not much else. Sam reading the whole time. There’s a yellow glow in the room. Dean is on the verge of sleeping, when Sam asks.

 

‘Why didn’t you come with me?’

‘Huh?’

‘To California. Why didn’t you?’

‘Sammy...’

‘It’s Sam.’

‘What do you want me to say?’

‘How about the truth?’

‘The truth is... The truth is I don’t really know.’

‘Lame.’

‘I’m not kidding. Dad... I couldn’t just leave him like that.’

‘Oh, you mean like me?’

‘That’s not what I said.’

‘But that’s still what you think, isn’t it?’

‘Sam, that’s not what I think. It’s not. But as for me... I just... I thought about it. You have to believe me, man, I thought about it. But then I realized...’

‘What, Dean?’

‘This is so stupid. Why do you want to talk about this kind of shit?’

‘Because it broke something in me.’

‘Jesus, Sam.’

‘You can laugh at me all you want. Don’t tell me, it didn’t do the same thing to you! Look at us, Dean! Some days, I don’t know how to talk to you. It almost feels like I don’t know you.’

‘Shut up. You know me. You _know_ me. And I know you. What else have we got?’

‘Why didn’t you come, Dean?’

‘Cos’ I woulda ruined it for you! If I’d gone with you... You’d never have been able to... You wouldn’t have had...’

‘Have what?’

‘A shot at the life you deserve. Let’s face it, dude, me, I was never getting out of the life, but you, you had a shot, and I didn’t want to ruin it for you.’

‘...’

‘But then I did anyway, so there’s that.’

 

‘You didn’t. And I missed you. I miss you.’

 

Dean stays silent.

 

 

_Almost died (isn’t that ironic?)_

Sam’s dead. Sam’s dead. He’s lying there, and he’s dead. There’s nothing else to say, because Sam was the one thing… Dean doesn’t even care anymore. About any of it. The gates of hell. The end of the world. The yellow-eyed demon. Sam’s dead, and really, what’s the point in all of this? There’s no way he’s going on without him. No point. A hunter’s life, it always ends in blood, doesn’t it? But Sam deserved better. And now he’s dead. His body, not yet cold. But dead. Dean feels the weight of the gun in his hands. It would be so easy. Painless. Over. How Romeo and Juliet… Whatever. Sam is not going to wake up. Dean would barely feel anything. Wouldn’t have to feel the pain of living in this world. So that’s what he’s gonna do. Unless…

 

On bad days, Dean thinks he would have – they would have – been better off if he’d gone through with it.

 

 

_Almost convinced himself_

The past year has been rough. Who is he kidding, the past decades have been rough. Weird how time just doesn’t mean the same anymore. Okay, not that weird. Dean doesn’t want to think about it. What’s done’s done, right? But he still hasn’t slept through one entire night. And now. When he stops to think, he almost doesn’t believe in it. Castiel. Angels. Lucifer. Fucking Lucifer. And Sam and Dean right in the middle. And Sam…

What happened to them? Since the Pit, Dean sometimes has trouble remembering what happened in his twenties, but their childhood, their growing up together, it’s clear as day. Him and Sammy. And Dad. No, can’t think about that.

Now, Sam’s sleeping. Or pretending to, at least. It’s hard to tell, they’re both so good at this. They used to make a game out of it. Dean almost always lost. Sam’s in the bed next to his, and that’s what counts. How could Dean think he could live without the kid? Well, if his trip to the future is to be believed, that Dean… Dean doesn’t want to end up like him. Sam and Dean, they’ll make their own path, Dean’s sick of playing by the rules. Who does he think he is, anyway? What Sam’s done…That’s in no way worse than what Dean’s done. Far from it.

 

‘Stop thinking so loudly.’

‘Sorry.’

‘Go to sleep, D.’

‘Yeah…’

‘Or do you want to talk about it?’

‘Shut up, Sam.’

‘I could make some hot cocoa and we’d –’

‘I said, shut up!’

‘Fine. But neither of us is sleeping, and it’s the middle of the night, seems like a waste.’

‘Who could sleep?’

 

‘Dean?’

‘Huh.’

‘I was kidding earlier. We _can_ talk. About anything.’

‘About you being a gigantic girl?’

‘Dean.’

‘What do you want to know?’

‘What made you change your mind? About taking me back.’

‘Just… Listen, life without you, well, I can’t see that ending too well for me, you know? I mean… I make stupid decisions when you’re not around.’

‘… Do you think… Do you think we can really choose our own destinies?’

‘What’s the point otherwise?’

 

From now on, Dean will always choose Sam. Well. Almost.

 

 

_Almost lived without him_

Dean goes through the motions. And he’s happy. Sorta. He’s not unhappy. It’s like missing a lung. You can live with only one lung. Doesn’t mean you want to. He wakes up in the middle of the night. Almost forgets and wonders why they’re in the same bed. But the smell’s all wrong, and he has to face the reality. It’s hard work, being happy. Not being unhappy. Whatever.

The worst thing is he does love her.

Still wakes up at night.

Still sees his face. Blurry, bloody, his smile. He promised him he would live, so... That’s what he does. He keeps on living. He’s not unhappy. It’s like living without a liver. Can you live without a liver? Forget it. Dean gets up, takes a beer from the fridge. ’Cos he has a fridge. Drinks the beer. Take that, liver.

Dean has whole conversations with him. In his head. At night. He’s not pathetic. Not at all. He sits in his chair. Laughs about something no one said. Tries to stop thinking. Fails.

 

 

_Almost punched him_

Sam without a soul is kind of a slut. He gets hit on all the time. All of the girls. Some of the boys. Sam without a soul has this smile. Makes Dean wanna curl inside his skin. Makes everyone else wanna fuck him apparently. Sam without a soul looks at him like he always knows what he’s thinking. Then smiles.

Another night of coming back to a room that smells like sex. Awkward small talk with the girl leaving. Sam, just sitting there, against the headboard. Smiling.

 

‘What the fuck are you smiling at? Stop being so creepy.’

Sam stands up and walks up to his brother. He’s naked.

‘Put some clothes on, for the love of –’

‘God? I don’t think he’s watching.’

‘Sam. What are you doing?’

‘I’ve been wondering why you’ve been acting so disgusted by me lately. You used to love knowing I got laid. Wanted to know all the details.’

‘Shut your mouth.’

‘Did she scream? She seemed like a screamer.’

‘Well, I don’t want to know anymore.’

‘Do you remember how my first time went?’

‘Can you put some pants on, at least?’

‘Nothing you haven’t seen before.’

‘Doesn’t mean I want to.’

‘Do you remember?’

‘Whatever. Yeah. Blonde Kelly, Minnesota. 19…99?’

‘Try again.’

‘What? No, I’m sure. You told me.’

‘Try 1991, Montana, Dean Winchester.’

‘What are you talking about? We’ve never… What are you talking about!’

‘Did you know I got hard? Feeling you against me. Of course, I had no idea what was happening.’

‘Shut up.’

‘I’m not saying you did it on purpose.’

‘Shut up.’

‘You were a child, too. Nothing to be ashamed of.’

‘I’m telling you to shut up!’

‘I still jerk off to the memory. Kinda sad really.’

 

Dean leaves for a few days. He’s sure of one thing. This is not Sam.

 

 

_Almost faced his ghosts_

‘Can we talk?’

‘Do we have to?’

‘I’ve been… I’ve been remembering more things from when I didn’t have a soul.’

‘Sammy.’

‘I’m not trying to. I swear. It just… comes to me.’

‘Okay. Okay. So what glorious memory have you recovered?’

‘That night. At… at the motel.’

‘Gonna have to be a bit more specific than that.’

‘When I… He… When I told you about my… about when we were in Montana.’

‘Stop.’

‘But Dean...’

‘We absolutely do not have to talk about that.’

‘I think we need to. Things have been weird lately.’

‘That’s not the reason.’

‘I believe you. But, it doesn’t help, is all I’m saying.’

‘I’m sorry, okay?’

‘What are you sorry for? If anything, I’m the one who’s sorry.’

‘I was older, I should have… I don’t know. Not done that.’

‘That’s why you think I want to talk about it? Dean, you were, what, 12? We shared everything! You were everything to me! So what, if you woke up hard from a wet dream, and rubbed yourself against –’

‘Please! Can you just… stop? Please…’

‘No, now I think you really need to hear this. I don’t care! When you realized where you were, you stopped immediately! We were children, Dean! What happened that night… It doesn’t matter, not to me, do you hear? Maybe that makes me fucked up, but I. Don’t. Care. I didn’t even completely realize what happened until years later.’

‘Then why bring it up?’

‘I wanted to apologize actually.’

‘Apology accepted. Can we move on now?’

‘Look me in the eyes so I can tell you that you have nothing to be sorry for.’

Dean raises his head slightly. Sam is looking at him expectantly. But Dean…

‘Sorry I can’t.’

 

Dean settles back on his side. No way he’s sleeping tonight.

 

 

_Almost pushed him away_

That whole mess with the girl. Amelia. Dean knows it was low. But Sam chose her. Over him. Chose a girl over him. Again. The way he feels. The jealousy. That’s not normal. That’s never been normal. He wants Sammy to only want to be with him. He wants to be enough. Not to be so easily replaced by the first girl that crosses his path. He wants Sammy to…

In a way, Dean’s grateful he went to Purgatory. Everything’s simpler now. There’s him, there’s the hunting, there’s Sammy. Their bitch of a life. Well, it will end someday. And at the end, there’s him and there’s Sam. That’s it. It took him years and years to accept it, but now, there’s a sort of serenity in his head. At the same time, everything feels so much more violent. He wants Sam for himself. He wants Sam to choose him. He needs him to. What he feels for Sam. It’s warm and serene, and violent and jealous.

 

Sam’s his. There’s no almost there.

 

 

_Almost forced him_

Ever since he got the Mark, there have been those times when he can’t get his eyes off Sam. He watches him from a distance. Imagines walking up to him. Pushing him against a wall. Feeling the fight in him. Feeling the fight leave him. He gets hard imagining all the things he could do to his brother. So he watches him and waits for his moment.

Sam knows something’s up, but he has no idea what. He can’t know, right? Sometimes, Dean goes to watch him sleep. Listens to the sounds he makes. Until he cannot stop himself. One night, he slips into his brother’s bed, waking him up in the process.

‘Dean?’

‘Shhh… That’s what you wanted, right?’

Dean’s hard and he’s rubbing himself on Sam’s thigh, his hand on his torso, keeping him flat on his back. Sam’s waking up quickly now. He moves his head rapidly, sees Dean, calms down a little, and then realizes what’s happening.

‘What’re you doing?’

‘Don’t you like it? Just like that memory you were so fond of sharing, remember?’

‘What the fuck?! Stop!’

‘You’re hard. Don’t tell me you don’t want this. You told me, remember? How hard it got you. I guess soulless you wasn’t lying after all.’

‘Stop it! Dean!’

All of a sudden, Sam is out of the bed, and in fighting mode.

‘Come on, Sammy! Don’t pretend you don’t know we both want this! Both as fucked up as the other… That’s why you left, all those years ago, hundreds of years ago, right? I know that’s why I didn’t come with you. Ask me again. Ask me!’

‘Dean… That’s not you talking… It’s the Mark…’

‘You think you have an answer for fucking everything… Well, what do they say about this in your books? Do they say how fucked I am?’

Dean immobilizes Sam without breaking a sweat, an arm across his throat. Their faces so close.

‘You cannot do anything. And you’re still hard, so…’

‘Dean…’

‘Yeah, Sammy?’

‘Please, please… Stop. Not like that. Please…’

 

Dean almost doesn’t listen to him.

 

 

_No more_

Things have calmed down, it seems. Dean knows they are far from done with the Darkness, but in the meantime, they’re catching a break in the bunker. It seems like forever ago since the last time they were able to. Sam looks at him worryingly when he thinks Dean doesn’t notice. As if he were a ticking bomb. And every time Dean closes his eyes, he sees his little brother, on his knees, ready to die for him. It makes him wanna scream. He got what he wanted in the end. Sam’s his. His to kill apparently.

Sam knocks. Comes in and closes the door behind him. He sits down next to Dean, sighs.

‘Let me guess. We need to talk?’

‘Actually… I’d rather not, if you don’t mind.’

And there, lit only by the bedside lamp, side by side, they breathe together for hours, get lulled into sleep, side by side, their arms touching, so many things unsaid, and still, neither of them would rather be anywhere else.

Dean wakes up to find Sam looking at him. There’s everything in his eyes. Sam trails his fingers down his arm, finds his hand, brings it to his face, and closes his eyes, content. Dean cannot move. He cannot utter a single word. He’s frozen in the feeling of Sam’s skin against his palm. He feels like he’s at the center of the world. Finally, Sam opens his eyes. Brings his face as close to Dean’s as possible. Everything’s blurry now. Dean’s still not moving. And then. Everything at once.


End file.
